Let Go Of What Should Happen

“At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.”

I tweeted this on July 28. If I were to have a take away phrase from this last year, it would be this. As you may know, last year, I felt as though I lost everything. I lost my mind. I lost my credibility. I lost a relationship with a man I looked up to. I had to start from square one.

When I was in the mental hospital, I got a call from the person I was living with and told that he felt unequipped to handle me, so I had to move out. After I hung up the phone, I cried for hours. I curled up in a ball against the wall as one of the nurses endeavored to console me and the psychologist offered for me to stay another three days. The people I was living with were like a family to me and it felt like they gave up on me when I needed them most.

When I got out of the hospital, I learned that I was having my local pastor’s license revoked for my drinking and I was not allowed to serve as an intern with youth for a year. Several conspiracies ran through my head. For instance, maybe the real reason I was kicked out was because I was of no use to him anymore? Everything that meant anything to me was stripped away from me.

This last year was supposed to be my best year. I was supposed to be living with this family. I was supposed to be interning with the youth group, and being a part of the mission trip, camps, and excursion to Six Flags.

For months after leaving the hospital, I was still depressed. The person I relied on the most, who I told everything to, I no longer had around. The person I saw as a father-figure basically told me I was too much for him to handle. I still had my mentor, and he was a big help, but in the end, he was only one person and could only do so much. I was depressed for months. I had my year mapped out of what it was supposed to look like and what I thought should happen. It all unraveled right before my eyes in the matter of a week.

Now, I am not saying I am a victim. My actions brought about consequences, whether I agree with them or not. I did not see that in those months and I lived with resentments towards people only to realize that I have to make amends to those people for my actions.

Acceptance and approval are two different things. I don’t approve of me getting kicked out. I don’t approve of me getting removed from church leadership. I don’t approve of people at my church gossiping about me. I don’t approve of getting abandoned by the person who meant the world to me. Just because I don’t approve of it doesn’t mean I don’t have to accept it.

Over time, I learned to accept what happened to me. My depression was assuaged when I stopped ruminating in what I thought my life should look like and started to live in what was happening.

To me, I started my life over and I am still building. I’m learning to end toxic relationships. I am learning to distance myself from people who do not have my best interest at heart. I am learning to take big steps to better myself and my future, despite what I want to do. I am learning not to get attached to the wrong people and giving people unhealthy power over my life. I am trying to balance being transparent while also guarding myself and my heart.

Tonight, I experienced a depressive episode. I recently experienced my year out of the mental hospital and one year without self-harming. This was the impetus for this episode. I started living once again what I thought should happen. Resentments towards people arose again. I am angry. I am depressed. I am human. My life is not where I want it to be, but thank God it is not where I deserve it to be. This is what I must remember.

Honestly, at this point, I am just writing because I do not know how to articulate how I am feeling fully and this is therapeutic for me. I do not have some big life lesson to share with you. I just try to share my experience, strength, and hope with you. So far, I would say I do a good job at that. Tonight, I am going to embrace my emotion and not try to push it away. I am going to mourn the consequences of my actions, but this is only so that I can embrace my life to the fullest in the morning.

Let go of what you think your life should be like and accept what is happening now.