Posts in Life Experience
New Year, Same Me Please

This year, I experienced freedom for the first time. Freedom from addiction, freedom from shame, freedom from toxic relationships, freedom from self-loathing. I have grown a lot this past year, more than I realized I could grow. I have matured in many different ways. I set boundaries to protect myself and to respect myself. Last year, I was in a deep depression. It had been merely 4 months since my life was turned upside down. It had been only four months since I stopped drinking and self-harming. It had been only four months since I was in the mental hospital. It had been only four months since I was kicked out by the person who I admired the most. In this past year, I had a lot of growing up to do.

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Why I Left Seminary

This decision was anything but rash. I came to the decision to drop out of seminary after months and months of praying for direction. I loved what I was learning. I loved the assignments. I loved the school. I loved my classmates. Why did I feel such anxiety about remaining in seminary?

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Let Go Of What Should Happen

“At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.”

I tweeted this on July 28. If I were to have a take away phrase from this last year, it would be this. As you may know, last year, I felt as though I lost everything. I lost my mind. I lost my credibility. I lost a relationship with a man I looked up to. I had to start from square one.

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Where Have I Been This Past Year

Last summer, I graduated Summa Cum Laude with an Honors BS in Psychology and an Honors BA in Christian Studies with a minor in Worship Arts. I had a few job offers both inside and outside of ministry for after I graduated. I was working in youth ministry at my church and had my local ministers license. It seemed like I had everything together. On the inside, I was falling apart. After 2 years of sobriety from alcohol, I started drinking again at my grandma’s funeral. It started off small, and soon became a problem once again. I was spending almost every night at the bar after classes. I would find any reason to drink. I was trying to cover up the deep depression I was experiencing. Summer hit and I graduated. I had no job and no school to keep me distracted from my depression.

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Showing Grace in the Dark Times

Recently, one of my boys got in a bit of trouble. It deeply affected my heart. I was frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, and confused. I know he is better than this and I was not sure why he did what he did. It made me feel like a failure as a mentor. I did not know how to approach this situation or approach my mentee when I picked him up the following day, so I texted Jeff to ask him for advice. I asked him how to approach it and he responded with “probably with the same kind of grace you would have wanted in your dark times…”

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