Posts in Testimony
New Year, Same Me Please

This year, I experienced freedom for the first time. Freedom from addiction, freedom from shame, freedom from toxic relationships, freedom from self-loathing. I have grown a lot this past year, more than I realized I could grow. I have matured in many different ways. I set boundaries to protect myself and to respect myself. Last year, I was in a deep depression. It had been merely 4 months since my life was turned upside down. It had been only four months since I stopped drinking and self-harming. It had been only four months since I was in the mental hospital. It had been only four months since I was kicked out by the person who I admired the most. In this past year, I had a lot of growing up to do.

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God Healed My Depression

 From a year ago to ever since I can remember, I always struggled with depression. There was low self-image, self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-love. I had no sense of self-worth. Most days, I passively tossed around the idea of suicide. Even when I wasn’t suicidal, fleeting thoughts like “what would happen if I was not here anymore” would cross my mind several times a day. I thought I was good for nothing except to be another statistic of people who took their own lives. Nobody would see it coming. I looked as though I was happy and had my life together on the outside. On the inside, I wanted to die.

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Where Have I Been This Past Year

Last summer, I graduated Summa Cum Laude with an Honors BS in Psychology and an Honors BA in Christian Studies with a minor in Worship Arts. I had a few job offers both inside and outside of ministry for after I graduated. I was working in youth ministry at my church and had my local ministers license. It seemed like I had everything together. On the inside, I was falling apart. After 2 years of sobriety from alcohol, I started drinking again at my grandma’s funeral. It started off small, and soon became a problem once again. I was spending almost every night at the bar after classes. I would find any reason to drink. I was trying to cover up the deep depression I was experiencing. Summer hit and I graduated. I had no job and no school to keep me distracted from my depression.

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Am I Leaving Ministry?

A few nights ago, I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a pastor. The small voice in my head became louder and louder. I was again on the verge of dropping out of my MDiv program. I thought what is the use, I could never be a pastor. I could never picture me as a pastor or in ministry. These were lies the enemy was telling me. To combat it, I reached out to a few people I trusted to see if there was truth in the voices or not.

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