Let Go Of What Should Happen
Where Have I Been This Past Year
“At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.”
I tweeted this on July 28. If I were to have a take away phrase from this last year, it would be this. As you may know, last year, I felt as though I lost everything. I lost my mind. I lost my credibility. I lost a relationship with a man I looked up to. I had to start from square one.
Showing Grace in the Dark Times
Last summer, I graduated Summa Cum Laude with an Honors BS in Psychology and an Honors BA in Christian Studies with a minor in Worship Arts. I had a few job offers both inside and outside of ministry for after I graduated. I was working in youth ministry at my church and had my local ministers license. It seemed like I had everything together. On the inside, I was falling apart. After 2 years of sobriety from alcohol, I started drinking again at my grandma’s funeral. It started off small, and soon became a problem once again. I was spending almost every night at the bar after classes. I would find any reason to drink. I was trying to cover up the deep depression I was experiencing. Summer hit and I graduated. I had no job and no school to keep me distracted from my depression.
Am I Leaving Ministry?
Recently, one of my boys got in a bit of trouble. It deeply affected my heart. I was frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, and confused. I know he is better than this and I was not sure why he did what he did. It made me feel like a failure as a mentor. I did not know how to approach this situation or approach my mentee when I picked him up the following day, so I texted Jeff to ask him for advice. I asked him how to approach it and he responded with “probably with the same kind of grace you would have wanted in your dark times…”
I'm Transparent, But Not Confident
A few nights ago, I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a pastor. The small voice in my head became louder and louder. I was again on the verge of dropping out of my MDiv program. I thought what is the use, I could never be a pastor. I could never picture me as a pastor or in ministry. These were lies the enemy was telling me. To combat it, I reached out to a few people I trusted to see if there was truth in the voices or not.
I have always been pretty open about my struggles with my mental health. This by no means is a demonstration of confidence. I always have the trepidation of being judged or getting bad feedback from being so transparent. Ultimately, I have seen time and time again how my testimony has helped people. Every so often, I share a bit of my testimony on social media or in a sermon. Every time I do, I have at least one person contact me later saying that they have been struggling with the same thing and it was refreshing to know other people do to. The devil likes to tell you that you are all alone.