It is 12:10 in the morning. Why am I awake? I experience very vivid nightmares. Now, these nightmares are not like scary movies. Those things don’t keep me awake. What keeps me awake is the memories of people leaving and the memories of me losing everything I worked for. Tonight, my dream consisted of mentors and role models leaving my life. That is a nightmare for me. I wake up in tears and catch myself talking in my sleep.
This new ministry assignment I am at has been a huge blessing and it feels unreal. The amount of support from the church and the staff that Sabrina has gotten is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I must admit, even after being here a week, I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt and lose it all. This is not at all because I think people are wearing a mask, but it is because of the trauma of people close to me leaving.
However, instead of dwelling in it, I’m trying to dwell at what Jesus says in Scripture in the book of Matthew during the Great Commission. Jesus reassures the disciples that He will be with them always, even to the end of the age. This brings me comfort. People will fail, but Christ never will. He has moved mountains to place me according to His calling. He has proven time and time again that He will not leave me and that I can trust the plans He has for me is for my good.
I have always connected with Psalm 42, especially being a Christian that struggles with depression. The verse that really sticks out to me is “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for God. Yet, I keep trying to fill my void or solve my depression with human relationships. When I feel my depression creeping back in, I know my God tank is running low.
With my passion for ministry and my intense work ethic, I have failed to take a Sabbath so far. So tomorrow, on my scheduled day off. I will not go into the office. Instead, I will do things that fill my God tank because I feel my depression creeping in, though nothing is wrong. A sign of this is my nightmares. I will ask my soul, “why are you downcast?” I will spend time in prayer and meditation. I will spend time in worship and appreciation of who God is and what He has done. Even writing this post has already mitigated some of my depression because it has recentered my focus on God’s promises and eschatological hope instead of mistakes and heartbreak of the past.
I will end this post just simply asking for your prayers. I’m still trying to figure out what full time ministry looks like for me. I’m still trying to figure out who “Pastor Johnny” is. In fact, I’m still learning who John Fernandes is. I’m a dynamic. Since I’ve gotten mentally healthy and sober, I’m learning new things about myself each day. What I have learned this past week is that I need to take it easy. I have to remember, ministry isn’t about what I can do. God does not need me and does not want me because of what I have to offer. He wants me because I am his creation, his son. I am a human being, not a human doing.