*spoiler alert for the new Spiderman movie (well two small quotes with no context, which is not really spoiling anything except the appearance of people who you should know already are in the film unless you live under a rock)
“Are you gonna go into battle dressed like a cool youth pastor?”
I’m a 26 year old youth pastor who is still finding his place in the world and doing the next right thing until then. I’m “seasoned enough” to teach the next generation, but in many ways, I am still a kid. Psychology contends the stage of “adolescents” has extended to even up until early 30’s.
Depression affects me, pastor or not. It has been really impacting me recently. Even knowing I will do little sleeping, getting out of bed has been difficult. Today alone, I was still in bed when the clock struck noon. I’m tired, all the time, and everything seems like a battle. The holidays are tough, especially this year.
There is a trend in psychology going around about understanding and healing your inner child. I have never understood it until today. I think a reason seasonal depression hits me, is it brings back feelings and memories that were uncomfortable or negative for younger me. I sat on social media and observed the “memories” that it had for me for today. That only exacerbated my mood. Lost friends, past failures, broken relationships, etc. Nothing changes if nothing changes, so I took action.
Today, I chose to listen to my inner child. I chose to serve my inner child. I chose to embrace my inner child.
As a child, my little sister and I were always close. We had a great bond. We won talent shows singing with each other. We played pretend. We recorded ridiculous YouTube videos. We laughed. We grew up together, despite our 5 year age gap. She will always be my little sister, no matter how old she gets. Something we did often was play computer games together, mostly Roblox (yes, I played Roblox before it was cool). So today, I called up my sister and we were on the phone for a few hours while playing Roblox until my wife came home from work. Once she got home, I forced her to play with us. We played until my wife and I left for our movie date. We went to see the new Spiderman film.
My favorite memories as a kid were going to the movie theaters with my dad to watch the 3 spiderman movies starring Tobey Maguire. I loved Spiderman. I had several silly string webslingers and often pretended to be Spiderman when I played make believe. He was a fictional character that I always looked up to. Before he was Spiderman, he was a teenage kid trying to find his way in the world. He was bullied, he experienced loss, he loved, and he wanted to be loved. I connected and identified with him. After rising up to become a hero, he had to learn responsibility, he had to learn there were consequences to his actions that he had to live with, he had to learn how to serve the greater good and not himself.
Recently, Steve from the original Blue’s Clues, came back in the public eyes. He recorded an inspirational message for people. It was very adorable and quite encouraging. It definitely was a great gesture and hit home for a lot of people, including myself. Seeing Maguire as “Peter Parker” in this new film once again did the same for me.
The way he interacted with Holland’s character with compassion, understanding, and maturity made it feel as though he was speaking to me. I put myself in Holland’s shoes. He felt like he couldn’t win at anything and that nothing he did was good enough. He felt that every action that he intended for good only led to more trouble for him and the ones he loved.
Even “superheroes” struggle with self-confidence. There was a line Maguire said to another spiderman that was so cool. Garfield’s “Peter Parker” compared himself and his story to the other two and said he was not “awesome.” Maguire stopped him and called him something along the lines of awesome and amazing. I often fall into the trap of comparing myself to others: other people from my high school, other people from my college, old friends, other youth pastors, etc. Each time I compare, I end of not talking so nice to myself.
Going back to the quote said about Maguire I mentioned at the beginning, I don’t know about cool, but I go into battle daily dressed like a youth pastor. I battle trying to discern God’s will. I battle trying to do all the good I can in all the ways I can. I battle to better myself and be the man God intends me to be. I battle to be a husband my wife can be proud of. I battle to be a youth pastor my students would feel safe with.
I like to think of myself as a spiderman in my own universe. I keep looking for good. I keep fighting no matter how hard gets. I keep growing and developing. I even have my very own MJ, my amazing wife. She sees “me in battle” but she also sees the real me, my secret identity. She sees my trauma, my hurt, my pain, my battle, and she supports me and fights with me. So, I will be my own spiderman and let God write my story. I will let him heal me, so I can help others. Hurt people hurt people, but healed people instigate healing. I am still learning to accept today for what it is.
I was told a statement recently that really helped me accept me and not to try to be somebody else.
There is paramount purpose in the peculiar
Only I can be me. Only I can, in this moment, be the youth pastor at my church. Only I can be Sabrina’s husband. Only I can be my parents son.